by Corporal Candy

supported by
  • Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

     name your price




This is an album about drugs and depression and ice cream and existentialism and growing up and falling apart and having friends and having fun and yelling when you can because life is short and you might as well be loud about it.

Loose Cannon Cop has samples from Team America, Dazed and Confused, Dragon Ball Z, and Jonah Allen. Please don't sue me.

Community College has a sample from Transformers. Fucks with me, Michael Bay.

Thanks to Nick Allen for mastering everything.

Thanks to my roommates for not complaining/noticing whenever I was screaming rap songs up in the attic.

Thanks to my friends for putting up with my shit and never ceasing to be beautiful, fascinating creatures.

Thanks to you. We wouldn't all be here today if it weren't for you. Seriously, good work.

RIP Sasha Shulgin

//GOD Are DOuG//DOuG Are u//

Fuck Gumby.



released 01 October 2014



all rights reserved


feeds for this album, this artist
Track Name: Through A Clearing//Fuck Jerry's Pizza
Woke up, existential breakfast eating chexmix
Chatting nihilism, time travel, and sex shit
Talking about getting over exes and rejection
Talking bout the good in life and stepping towards connection
Talking feminism as egalitarianism's second step-twin
Close, but invoking separation as a death wish
And once we realize that we're one, we'll fall apart and have more fun
And once we realize that we're one, we'll fall apart and have more fun

Woke up, overdose, life support, comatose
Bloody clothes, screaming like a demon sliced in many rows
We're not alone, but sometimes I still feel the razors sear my throat
Tighten close and try to find the answers on this winding road
And life continues ever-ending, always starting, moving, bending
Mending elbows, breaking bones, and shifting sands, and wearing stones
And so it goes, scattered bits of matter making cosmic yolk
And so it goes, scattered into fragments as a cosmic joke

Woke up, dreaming, feeling grown up
Set the eggs and stove up, hoping that you'd show up
And I'm just glad that you exist
Track Name: I'd Rather Die Defending A Rock Than An Idea
Woke up today and realized I was a deity
So are you, playing with brain-waves lackadaisically
Ego trips hastily, making way and moving yonder
Ponder pondering much longer and it'll falter

I don't know everything, but I'm a part of everything
So are you, we're like two atoms in an endless sea
So what's the point of enmity or envy looping endlessly?
Why not find the friend in me, selfless acts of empathy

It's cuz people want different shit
And forcing people to play nice is one misstep from fascist government
And maybe life would be boring without the conflict
Maybe I'm some dumbass kid with flawed logic
But apathy's the only way I can maintain sanity
Block out the crumbling walls and Sean Hannity
Fuck Fox News and Fuck Mass Produced Vanity
Mindfuck everything, shouting naked off a balcony

And maybe thinking bout suffering won't end suffering
Maybe I'm just putting off doing with inner buffering
And maybe my own suffering won't end suffering
Maybe I'm just trying to justify being happy
And maybe my own suffering won't end suffering
Maybe I'm just putting off doing with inner buffering
And maybe thinking bout suffering won't end suffering
Maybe I'm just some self-centered neurotic asshole

Happiness is not a right, it's a choice
Pursue it in blind faith and risk losing your voice
Relax and let it come back, yo-yo your soul, bro
And fuck Froyo, real bitches at Coldstone
Swag, unemployment 2014
Getting drunk, chortling, life's an ocean, I'm snorkeling
And if I don't have the power to change shit on a global level at least I can make some motherfuckers smile while I'm still here
Track Name: Quantum Spaghetti Autocannibalism
(Jonah Interlude)

Well I walked out of classes, spastic on acid
I'm doing backflips, repping black magic
I'm the rad catfish, smoking all the catnip
Unburden all your baggage and laugh in grassy patches
Swag to the maxi-pad, flowing like an ampersand
Dinner with your damsel's dimmer dimming up and down again
Rap's Zapp Brannigan, no pants shenanigans
Unemployed champion, rambling, going ham again

Fucking wreck shit, cashing checks for rent slips
Walk into Family Dollar, hollering for Nesquick
Smoking so I'm dead quick, cross it off my checklist
Food stamp rapper getting reckless with this breakfast
Bitch I got the hot sauce, it's not an entendre
Exotic spices from the Ganges to the Ganja
Mellow, yellow rasta, stay munching pasta
Pick the beat up and throw it down like Mufasa

Damn I'm sober, bro
Got me shaking, making Oreo Overloads, Oreo Overdose
Lactaid comatose, shitting pretty, eating Fiber-Optic Cheerios

Shout outs to Breakfast Cereal:

I'm a loose cannon cop with an attitude
Justice is absolute, so I'll take a bat at you
Ray Bans, staying on my brain, man
Smoking packs a day, man, no legs like Rayman
Paraplegic vigilante, kicking ass like Matt Damon

Haven't even reached my final form, I'm just Saiyan
Track Name: Sometimes All You Need is a Platitude
Life isn't as I am, life is, and I am
Life is as I am, I am, I am
Who are we? I am, I am, I am
You are me, I am, I am, I am
I am the formlessness performing
I'm the down-pouring of endorphins storing data in these organs
Genesis origin, pouring satori porridges
Stomping out my life with seppuku and fucking mortgages
Rhyming shit with oranges, fuck it
Beans up in this dip, call that shit hummus
Why? Cuz it's hummus, so I called it hummus
Fucking with these nuggets till I feel caddywhompus
Woke up in the hospital bed, again
Bruises on my back and fucking tubes down my neck
Cats have nine lives, I've already lost ten
Seizing out, bleeding, fighting cops till I'm dead
I've gotta stop with all this shit
I've gotta stop popping pills and causing fits
I've gotta stop with all these slits on my wrists
Stop with all the popov and the bourbon and the thizz
And hey, maker, hey, creator here's a haymaker
Chewing on a brainkiller, fuck success, rainmaker
Life's a bitch, house train her, feed her a balanced diet, make her feel safe in her own household and whatnot

We are the waves and the ocean
Perpetual connection, dividends and the quotients
Start in stop-motion, fuck feeling lobotomized, eyes wide
Still repping tie-dye, tripping in a Five Guy's
Tryna justify all this murder that's in plain sight
Bringing lives into this world just to get deep-fried
But it's fine, because they can't speak up, so don't mind
It's not a holocaust if you don't think about it
Life isn't as I am, life is, and I am
Life is as I am, I am, I am
Who are we? I am, I am, I am
You are me I am, I am, I am
We're the weird kids and Odd Fellows
Stumble into social situations saying hello
Cruising round the ghetto yelling fuck Chris Cappello

Disclaimer: If you're going to fuck Chris Cappello, do it with love, grace, and elegance.
Track Name: 30 Rock Mosh Pit
You're a dog wolf, I'm a flow god
Spitting shit to stay with it, call me a blow job
Like, hey, Blowjob, what's up? I'm doing gucci
I'm doing viewings on John Belushi with two roomies
Google rudimentary philosophical ramblings
Meandering on two tabs in back alleys at Wesleyan
Shouting where's the crack at to rich kids in snap backs
Who snapchat their six-packs on six packs of shit Pabst
And I'm like I'm passed that, but sure I will pass that
To passed out, piss drunk dumb lugs and asshats
And you're an asshat, but girl, you're my asshat
Wear you on a cold day, balanced cuz my ass flat
And I miss all the asphalt, barefoot from last fall
Sock-trapped rapper breaking down, making phone calls
Question: Am I rapping ironically?
I'm not black, I don't sell lean rhymes, or misogyny
And what's the point of wordplay if it doesn't get to bash gays?
I'm just tryna get paid by saying shit on replay

Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna find some puppies/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna find some puppies/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna find some puppies/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna find some puppies

(Musical Breakdown)

Kick ass and take names, acid on airplanes
Samuel L. Jackson on crack in the West Wing
Drinking champ-ag-ne till the ground is lava
I'm spitting llamas with hot sauce sriracha
I'm a bad yogi, advocating malpractice
Suicide legalization and rad drug habits
Internal warfare profiteering with prozac
Big pharma ADD propagandist for dope crack
Cracked up, I'm faded, smacked up, I'm hated
Jacked up on steroids with small balls like penguins
Fuck working Sherlock and praise Rupert Murdoch
God bless the Koch bros, yellow news, and hogwash
God bless peer pressure, collective unconscious
God bless Satan and masturbating with tube socks
God bless anxiety and failing at the finer things
God bless irony and lines of diphenhydramine

PSA: Seriously, don't do Benadryl.

Benadryl party till we fucking die
Lying comatose in pools of vomit till we wonder why
We're talking to these eyeballs, flying through the drywall
Crawling through the kitchen on a mission, fucking Skyfall
And fuck the NSA, overthrow the nanny state
Bite the hand that feeds until it bleeds into your silver plate
I'm not tryna regulate, I can't even get a date
But we know our culture rests on slave bones and burning planes
And turning lanes the roads are paved in rows of mother nature's grave
Angel wings sown by child labor in a foreign place

Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna fight some yuppies/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna fight some yuppies/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/Get bitches, fuck money/I'm just tryna fight some yuppies

Get bitches, fuck money
Track Name: eARTh dEATh
My head went through the windshield, and all I could think was that I love you
And I realize that you don't feel the same way, but it's easier as the memories fade
And I'm probably not gonna tell you, because I think that we're both better with space
Waking up in that hospital bed in a daze, I can't even remember your face
I'm self hate, I'm Batman, I'm neurosis defending my brain
I didn't think that it would kill me until my face cracked the glass with my weight
And to be fair, I was already pretty convinced that I was dead at the time
I'd like to let go and rewind, but I think I'll just have to let go

Scream, stomp, representing radical attitudes
I got that lateral platitude aptitude
I got that rad hat, dancing with a pack of dudes
Smoking packs of bad habits, rabid off the amplitude
And we're our best nights, and we're our worst days
And we're a clusterfuck of neurons tryna get laid
We're nervous nerds, herding in a chevrolet
Hot-boxing everyday, lost on the interstate
I'm on that inner state, meditate the thoughts away
Welcome back the problems, if you solve 'em have an awesome day
If not feel free to ask for help, because we'd love to help you
Seriously, it's the least that we can do.
Track Name: Community College
I'm the rap Moses, with open-toed neurosis
Homeless where my heart is, get freaky like Chobits
Yo, bitch, misogynist XY with hoe nips
Slow sips of whiskey, elephantine psychosis
I'm broke, kid, growing up broke with broken home kids
Closed lids and hobos blowing smoke and coke hits
The truth hits harder than two cars and broke ribs
But don't piss off and you'll hit God with a bong rip
We know rap doesn't have to be the ego
There's water in your Mio, there's duos in your trio
Free-falling to free flow, relax and let your genome
Take hold, and sit back, hand in a bag of fritos

(Product Placement)

Shit bricks of liquid, six hits of bisquick
Flip chicks off like Rick Ross but with big nips
I kill killers with floss, like a dipshit
I dip sticks in frost for a quick fix
I rhyme incoherent cause I'm incoherent
And it's apparent that my parents raised me as a parrot
I'm a sheep because I label people animals
Fuck consumerism, bitch, I eat Danimals
And fuck mammals though never fucked a mammal though
Cuz the radio told me not to fucking trust a hoe
I don't garden, I just sit around with all my bros
And sell cops ice cream: Coldstone
Free hugs life, man, it chose me
Make a couple hundred selling porn to bronies
And go around town pretending that I'm not lonely
Buy a bowl of breadsticks and call them all my homies
Will you hold me? Nah, bitch, I'm a bread stick
I'll make you dead quick, choking on my bread dick
What the fuck, man, I can't believe said shit
Waiter, I need a check quick and some zest dip

Walk out, fucked up on cough syrup and self doubt
Vomit in a caveman, doing dope with dead clowns
I'll watch a cricket grow twelve legs out its ass mouth
But fuck it, man, this is a pretty routine friday
And fuck a profound rap, I drop pronouns
Smoking crack with David Ruffin down in Motown
Taking acid till I trip and yell hoe down!
The lowdown's a mumblemumblemumble

I'm the flyest nihilist, climbing all the tiling
I'm five lines of smiling deaf kids playing violins
No violence, I'm only pro-vitamins
Solely crime fighting in Ireland till it's time again
I'm a rap genius, with a wrapped penis
Safety first, motherfucker, I fucking mean it
Drinking lean until my spleen bursts into a phoenix
And grab my hoes off the road in my funky Prius

But seriously, life's a mystery
Delirious sincere spirits and new inquiries
Every moment's on the verge of making history
I'm jittery, jacked up on spliffs and small epiphanies
We're the product of an ancient life process
We're progress, the people don't exist to serve Congress
Be modest or flaunt the stuff you're granted while you've got it
And just know, the road gets hard unless you want it

We like you. I fucking love you.
Old men in ripped plaid shirts and rubber duck shoes
Young, dumb kids doing drugs because Fuck You
You promised me real shit, all I got was shampoo

We're weak and we're strong and we're meek and we're wrong
And we're right and we're blinded by light till it's gone
But we're on the same side on this spiraling ride
And if I die face first in a ditch, at least I tried.